"They have sold us that we have to be happy because" point and apart

As important as knowing your virtues is being aware of your defects.This is explained by psychologist Silvia Álava, in her last book. Why am I not happy?(Haspercollins), pointing out that, only in this way expectations can be adjusted when defining our dreams.

Álava remembers that, since we are born, they sell us the idea that we have to pursue our happiness, that to succeed in life you have to be happy and, in addition, in this 21st century, hang it on social networks to show the world goodWe are.But, he wonders, is it really necessary to be happy?

You say in your book the keys to living and enjoying life without complicating.Isn't that somewhat pretentious?

Precisely to prevent it from being pretentious, in the first part I speak of what it means to be happy, to demystify happiness, to understand that the idea of living constantly giving joy is a fallacy, it is something that cannot be achieved.Being happy implies being comfortable with oneself, with your good and bad days, and understanding that you will not always be able to do what you want.Living according to our values and ideals, because sometimes what happens to us is that we have moved away from them and that generates a lot of frustration.

It also raises whether it is really necessary to be happy, when it is taken for granted in today's society ...

We live at a time when we have sold us that we have to be happy because yes and also demonstrate it on social networks.Before, success in life went through having a certain car, a house, a type of clothing...Until a point came where that was not happiness either.Now you have to publicly demonstrate that you are happy, and share it with images of an exaggerated joy.But be careful, there will be seasons that I will be fine and others not so much, simply because life is like that, a cluster of setbacks.Therefore, we will learn to enhance pleasant emotions to feel good, but also to generate strategies to regulate those emotions, which are also intense, but less pleasant.

Many of the frustrations we felt could respond to that idea of overact happiness?

Some of them yes and others not.One of the ideas that work in the book is that there are no general rules.Happiness depends on many variables, including genetics, the circumstances that are going through at all times and how these situations are interpreted.

What role does the genetic component play in happiness?

What the studies conducted in monozygotic twins say is that 50 percent of happiness depends on this factor.10 percent would be determined, however, by circumstances.That is why it is very important to learn that there are resources and skills that allow an improvement capacity.

To be fine, do you need to make great changes in life?

Being well will be within ours.The initial impulse never has to be flight.You have to learn to handle situations and, from there, decide what to do from now on.

What is acceptance?

Accepting never means resigning.Is to be aware of what can be changed and what is not.Once we know how to identify what does not depend on us and the emotions that it generates (anger, anger, frustration ...), the focus of attention had to be transferred to manage how it makes me feel that situation.

What does it mean to be calm with oneself?

They have sold us an idea of associated happiness at all times to pleasant emotions of high intensity.But, in situations like the one we are living with pandemic now, another emotion emerges, in this case of low intensity, which is calm and serenity.We have left it a little away and that cannot be.Because doing very happy things is fine, but that cannot be constant.Sometimes you don't have to be doing anything beyond staying at home reading a book, watching a movie, walking in connection with nature.

Are we slaves of happiness?

We are slaves of strong emotions.There are many people who repeat "I do not want to live in a constant roller coaster", but the reality is that they are hooked on that and they have to learn to live from serenity.It is the so -called hedonistic adaptation, which consists in getting used to the good that the rest of things are not valued later.An exercise to work is to thank what you have and not put so much the focus on what you do not have.

Are we all able to learn to manage your emotions?

You could say yes, the part of the brain that regulates emotions can learn throughout life.There are people who will have more ease than another for their genetic component variables, but all people can do it.The problem is that they do not teach us.Many adults who go through my consultation confess to me: "If I had known this before, how many dislikes would have saved me".

Is there the secret of happiness?

The greatest enemy of happiness is our inner film director.Sometimes we ourselves are the ones who set up the mental films, and even several seasons series, about things that have not really happened.You have to live more attached to planet Earth, where very unpleasant things happen, seek objectivity and being the most realistic.A situation may be very difficult and complex, but you have to try to handle it and not fall into victimhood.